Top 5 Countries supplying permanent residents to Australia, in order of most to least Kafkaesque Police Checks.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here, as you have decided to apply for an Australian visa, and must now supply an Australian Federal Police Check, and a police check from any country you have resided in for 12 months or more in the past 10 years.

The Australian Federal Police Check (‘AFP’) seemed so easy, you only had to supply all the names you’ve been known by, your date of birth and 100 points of identification. Your AFP Police check will arrive in the mail within a month, and alas! You now must explore the basement of the bureaucratic house of horrors that is the process for an offshore police check.

Your tour will take the form of the top 5 Countries providing permanent migrants to Australia during the 19-20 period in order of most to least convoluted absurdity.

Please note that police checks in languages other than English must be translated by an Accredited translator, and so extra points for Government agencies advertising a provided English translation in the first instance.

The processes will be scored in the most scientific way possible – how many times this pose:

Is likely to be made during process.

Special Mention – Canada:

Canada doesn’t make the list of most permanent migrants to Australia, and when looking at the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Certified Criminal Record Check (‘RCMP’) it’s easy to see why, as even the title is an exercise in enunciation.

The first step is to have your fingerprints taken at your local police station, recording the address and details of the officer who will be helping you. Fingerprinting is surprisingly common, if a little bit cheesy at this point. Beware however, as it is designed to lull you into a false sense of security.

Then you must choose an Accredited Company in order to convert your fingerprints into a digital file that the Canadian Criminal Real Time Identification Services can search for in their databases.

Except the RCMP doesn’t put a list of companies on their website. Instead, you must send an email to a special email address, seemingly dedicated to the servicing of requests for a PDF file.

Once you receive that list of companies, you must contact them and go through their own individual process to supply them with your fingerprints and documents, which are submitted to the RCMP. You can expect to receive the results of your check in roughly a month, by post.

Time to submit: Estimated 2 hours over at least 2 days.

Level of complexity: low-moderate

Biggest flaw: unnecessary integration of private institutions into public services creates extra steps.

3 /5 frustrated Jackie Chans.

1. India

At first glance, the Indian Penal Clearance Check doesn’t appear to be too difficult, you simply have to download and fill the form through the VFS Global Website after making an account.

You’ll have to provide the usual details, but also an Indian phone number, your permanent Indian address, your Australian Address and what would be your local Indian Police Station. You’ll also need one referee for each address so it can be confirmed, and two passport sized photos. You’ll also need to fill out the personal particulars form.

It’s a lot of information to gather, especially if you don’t have spare passport photos, or if you don’t have family in India anymore.

Once you’ve completed the forms and collected the requested documentation you are then faced with two choices.

Mail the form
Visit the VFS Global Office closest to you and submit the forms to them physically.

Mailing the form may seem like a simple option that will also save you time. This is a false trail, and has likely lured many unsuspecting applicants into a bureaucratic wasteland. If you wish to mail the forms and documents, you’ll probably be prepared to add an extra month to your processing time, but if you have made a mistake on one of your forms, your application may be considered invalid, causing you to have to restart the process.

And opportunities for mistakes are everywhere. The application form has to be completed manually. The VFS Global website says you need to include a notarized colour copy of your passport, but if you spend too much time googling, the Government Website says you have to send your physical old passport. Terrifying.

The best course of action is to make an in-person appointment with your local VFS Global Office. Feel the sun on your face as you leave your home and enjoy the fresh air and confidence that comes with someone checking your forms, and submitting the forms electronically. You can also call them directly for instructions on how to fill out the form.

If you need an Indian PCC for your visa application, just call VFS and see what they need, do not attempt to do it yourself.

Time to submit: Estimated range of 2 days if you call VFS and submit through an appointment to infinite if attempting to figure out the entire process yourself.

Level of complexity: High – it is likely applicant’s will call VFS Global only after attempting themselves.

Biggest Flaw: The Illusion of choice, conflicting information from official sources.

5/5 frustrated Jackie Chans

2. The People’s Republic of China

Applying for the ‘Notary Certificate of No Criminal Convictions’ has a rough start, because you can’t apply for the certificate in the first instance, and you can’t apply by yourself outside of China.

If you’re outside of China, you’ll need to authorise a third party to visit your local police station, carrying your:

Original ID Card
Your original Hukou booklet
A letter authorising them to obtain a ‘No Criminal Convictions’ certificate on your behalf, and
Their own Identification documents
(Optional) The police may request a statement from your employer or a letter from the residential committee.

Hopefully, a friend or family member is willing to take the time out of their day for the trip to the police station, because your other alternative is to hire a lawyer to do this, although experiences may vary.

THEN – you’ll need to take the certificate to a Public Notary Office for certification.

The entire process is estimated to take 7 weeks, however, it’s not all bad, the Chinese Public Notary is able to provide you with English translations of the certificate as part of your application.

Time to submit: variable, but measured in weeks.

Level of complexity: High – must coordinate with a third party to visit two physical locations.

Biggest Flaw: Unnecessary inclusion of a 3rd party, at the applicant’s social or financial expense. Must physically visit multiple bureaucratic entities.

4/5 frustrated Jackie Chans

3. United Kingdom

Unlike the Roman Empire, the British don’t seem to be in the habit of importing the best features of their colonised lands into their own culture. At least when it comes to acquiring a ‘NPCC Police Certificate’, because again, you have to find a suitable individual, who has known you for at least two years, to ‘endorse’ your application, and they cannot be a family member.

Additionally, it’s unclear what the ‘A’ in ACRO stands for, or whether the ACRO Criminal Records Office is a tautology.

But if you’re trying to escape the prospect of ever being offered ‘jellied eels’ again, you really only need to provide:

Proof of your current address, this can be inside or outside of the UK, not so bad;
A recent passport style colour photograph;
Colour copies of your passport;
A valid email address;
Every UK address you’ve had for the last 10 years;
The details of your endorser;

To the online form.

Submitting your application for the Police Certificate can cost 55 or 95 pounds depending on how quickly you want the application to be processed. However, they only deliver the police check by post, and so it’s likely to take around a month anyway.

Time to Submit: 1 hour plus

Level of complexity: low – unknown. You have to ask a friend if they’re comfortable with being contacted by the police, and the FAQ section doesn’t address what to do if you don’t have a suitable endorser.

Biggest Flaw: Bizarre eligibility requirements of a 2-year personal relationship with someone based on their occupation. Still unsure what ACRO stands for (is it short for Acronym?).

3/5 frustrated Jackie Chans

4. Philippines

The NBI Police Clearance Certificate seems like a fever dream of simplicity when compared to some of the others on this list.

You book an appointment at your nearest Filipino Consulate;
You bring:
Your passport
Two passport sized photos
$45 cash
A Return envelope
Yourself
When you arrive, you fill out the form
Pay the fee
The consular assistant will fingerprint you
They’ll mail the form to you, which you then mail on to the NBI office in Manila.

Just wow.

If you’re nearest Filipino consulate isn’t all that near, you can request an ‘NBI form 5’ from the consulate, and while you’re waiting for the form go to your local police station to have your fingerprints taken. Then sent the completed NBI form 5, the copy of your fingerprints, a copy of your passport, and an AU$45 postal money order payable to the ‘PHILIPPINE CONSULATE GENERAL – (insert your city)’.

The Consular Officer will then sign the NBI form and it will be mailed back to the applicant to be sent on to NBI Manila, with a money order for 200 Filipino Pesos.

The best part, for applicants with previously issued NBI clearances issued after 2014, they can renew their NBI clearance without fingerprinting or filling the form 5 at all.

Time to submit: 1 week.

Level of complexity: Very Low.

Biggest flaw: no online submission, you have to send multiple letters.

Biggest benefit: The Filipino Consulate website, gives you a clear step by step guide.

2/5 frustrated Jackie Chans

5. Vietnam

It’s hard to think of bad things to say about the application process for the Vietnamese ‘Judicial Record Certificate Number 2’.

Only the form in Vietnamese will be accepted, but an English translation is provided by the Embassy in order to guide you.

Once you’ve filled the form you simply mail to the embassy:

The Fully filled form;
A certified copy of your passport, including the bio, any Vietnamese visas or border stamps you may have;
A return pre-paid self-addressed envelope;
The fee in AUD in money order or bank cheque payable to ‘the Embassy of Vietnam’.

You’ll have to contact the embassy to find out what that fee is, but who doesn’t like a bit of mystery?

At this point it almost seems too easy, which is the most anxiety inducing part. After looking at all the checks on the list, a set of instructions made up of 4 bullet points just feels like something has been left out, what aren’t you telling us Vietnamese Embassy?

Time to complete: 2 hours

Level of complexity: suspiciously low.

Biggest Flaw: Waiting for the other shoe to drop.